Author Archives: FriendlyHelper

Critical Notes on ‘The Martian’ Script: Unhelpful Nonsense

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Negatives from the script (available online as a PDF):
  • appearance of Mars compared to a “blast furnace”
  • protagonist’s first word is “Fuck” [unimaginative use, no problem with word]
  • multi-paragraph undramatic expositive dialogue
  • dumbed down unintelligent boring main character
  • cheesy dated dialogue “our bad”, “shitstorm”, “I’m going to have to
    science the shit out of it” heh heh
  • crucifix sole combustible at base
  • overriding obvious question: why doesn’t he fix the damn antennae???!
  • 30 day mission rather than standard 500 day Mars Direct (which would allow enough foodstuffs for one person to live many years of emergency survival on Mars…not to mention a spare antennae)
  • astronauts from military backgrounds/pilots
  • inability to launch during sandstorm due to “wind”
  • crew must lean in to “force the doors closed against the wind”
  • “We’ve never had a manned ship controlled remotely before.”
  • Mark holds up his middle finger. “Fuck you Mars.” [emphasis original]
  • Drug glorification “I’m dipping this potato in Vicodin and there’s nothing
    anyone can do about it.” [This criticism seems to receive the most attention…a person close to me nearly died from alcoholism recently, as a result I have a new hatred of addictive substances which would have surprised my past self. I enjoyed alcohol but this tragedy was by far the most terrifying thing I have ever witnessed. My hope is we as a free society come to abhor drugs of all kinds, and disdain their use as we have cigarettes.]
Constant corny uptight hierarchical conflicts:
  • “We’ll do our best.” “Mark dies if you don’t.”
    “We discussed this.” “You discussed this.”
  • “I’m sorry commander you need to verbally–” “Launch!”
  • Even afflicts CNSA: “Are you kidding?” “Have you ever known me to kid, sir?”
  • “Bullshit it should be Commander Lewis’ call.” “We need to make this decision. It’s a matter of life and death.” “She’s the mission commander. Life and death decisions are her damn job.”…”You goddamn coward.”
  • “We’re talking about mutiny which is not a word I use lightly.”
  • “Easy, cowboy. You and I are military. There’s a good chance we’d be court martialed when we get home.”
  • “When this is over I’ll expect your resignation.” “I understand.”
  • “You’re sending him to space under a tarp?” “Yes. Can I go on?” “I’m not sure I want you to, but okay.”
  • “…I feel obliged to mention that setting off an explosive device on a spacecraft is a terrible, terrible idea.” “Copy that. Can you do it?” [thinks, then] “Ja.”
  • “Oh wait a minute. Yep. I’m looking at my shoulder patch and it turns out I’m commander. So shut up.”

Sole Positive:

  • blue sunrise

The Onion: “Mars Maven Begins Mission To Take Thousands Of High-Resolution Desktop Backgrounds”

WASHINGTON—Confirming that the probe successfully entered orbit around Mars late Sunday night, NASA officials reported today that the Maven spacecraft was now set to begin its mission of taking thousands of high-resolution computer backgrounds. “In its first year alone, the Maven probe will capture several hundred crisp desktop wallpapers of the Martian landscape in previously unattainable detail,” said NASA scientist Bruce Jakosky, noting that the space probe’s sophisticated instruments would ensure the backgrounds were in resolutions up to 1920×1200 and large enough to span two side-by-side monitors. “Maven has already taken preliminary images of the Bonneville crater, and we can confirm they look absolutely beautiful under a grid of desktop icons or protruding from the edges of a browser window.” According to Jakosky, after collecting enough computer backgrounds, researchers hoped to extend Maven’s mission and begin capturing images for a comprehensive Mars screensaver before the probe exhausts its fuel and crashes into the Martian surface.

http://www.theonion.com/article/mars-maven-begins-mission-to-take-thousands-of-hig-36987